Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Cojones

She had a simple complaint of groin pain at her surgery site, but something just wasn't right.  First her pain kept subtly changing, but more concerning was the pulse of 130 with irregular pupils and BP through the roof, so we ask for a urine sample, ostensibly to check for signs of kidney stones, but also to run an SAS.

"But I can't go.  Maybe if you bring me some juice."

Apple juice, coming right up!  When, a while later, the pulse is still up there and still no urine, I start an IV and start dumping normal saline in.  Finally, she can go to the bathroom, so I walk her and her new friend Mr. Ivey Pole down to get a urine sample.

A few minutes later, I'm sitting at my desk going over a chart when she walks up and says, "here's the urine sample."

This is what she hands me:



Yes, that is a photo of the actual "urine" I was given.  Interestingly, this patient, who had to have juice and IV saline to be able to produce urine, has some kind of kidney disorder in which she produces completely clear, cold urine with a specific gravity of 1.00 and a pH of 7.

Unfortunately for my dear patient, the doctor is ex-military and not interested in the publishing rights to the ground-breaking case of the patient with hydrofrigourinosis.  Instead, the patient got a consolation prize of a good swift kick in the rear end and don't let the ambulance hit you on the way out.

Don't play games with these ex-military types... and if you are going to play the game, at least try warming the tap water up before putting it in the specimen cup.

3 comments:

mojitogirl said...

Someone tried that trick on me too-c/o kidney stone and requesting Dilaudid, but no pee to back it up. Luckily we had The Major on duty that night (Army, Iraq vet, major hard-ass) whose claim to fame in the vicinity is the amount of Naprosyn prescriptions he writes for major pain control.

Yup, we do live in a parallel universe!

Curdie said...

"not interested in the publishing rights to the ground-breaking case of the patient with hydrofigourinosis"

:)

oh, and "thanks" for the link to how to beat the system. Now if I'm falsely accused of anything I have that handy-dandy visit for the authorities to unearth from my history.

Braden said...

"Now if I'm falsely accused of anything I have that handy-dandy visit for the authorities to unearth from my history."

Yeah, I thought about that as I looked it up, but I figured that since from now on I'm just going to develop benign ideopathic paroxsymal hydrofrigourinosis (BIPH) whenever I have to do a pee test, nobody will be able to question me, and if they do, then it is discrimination, and I'll get a lawyer.

God bless the USA!